About a decision I took this year.

“Sekarang lo kalo ditelepon cepet ya ngangkatnya.”

“Iya keren banget dah. Biasanya juga kalo kita nelepon malem-malem gini lo gak ikutan. Alesannya selalu, ‘masih ada kerjaan’…”

“Eh kalian harus tau guys, gue ngajak dia main jam 6 malem aja sekarang bisa. Main di luar, lho. Gak pake bawa laptop!”

“Tapi apa coba yang paling bikin gue amazed? Dia bales WhatsApp-nya cepet banget sekarang! Siang-siang aja fast response!”

“Udah bahagia ya kayaknya?”

That was a glimpse of conversation I had with my friends, first phone call after I started a new job.

When I decided to leave my former company, it’s funny to remember that I was happy and sad at the same time. Happy because I finally could let go of a job that did not spark joy any longer, and sad because, to be very honest, I love my job. A little bit too much I even had courage to call it “an ikigai-kind of job”. Later on, I figured out that “ikigai-kind of job” came with a high price to pay, and how the concept is not as simple as: what you love, what you are good at, what the world needs, and what you can be paid for. There are more factors to weigh, such as: work-life balance, mental health, physical health, quality time with your closest ones, quality time with yourself, and self-improvement.

So at the time I realized I couldn’t find the factors mentioned above anymore, I started revisiting my goals and purposes. It’s true that I love my job, but is it worth it if I had to sacrifice many things out of it? Peak of my contemplations was when I asked myself frequently, “why do I love my job but hate my life at the same time?”. I love my job, but I hate the fact that I couldn’t draw a line between working and living anymore. That I hardly spent my time with my closest ones. That I can only enjoy weekends because my works eaten me up a lot during weekdays. That I woke up to a weird, gloomy feeling every day. That I didn’t appreciate and value myself enough.

Then I decided to leave.

But the doubts didn’t stop there. The days after I made the decision, I still used to question many things: did I take the right decision? Is this what I’m looking for? What’s my purpose, actually? Later I knew that all of the questions in my head were just influenced by my surroundings — how some people asked, “are you sure?” or “have you been thinking about it carefully?” with a doubtful tone, how I saw my friends had huge leap in their career, how my ego used to compare myself with everyone else.

But after all, those are just things that out of my control, and according to stoicism concept, there’s nothing I can do to change it. So why don’t I try to focus on what I can control internally instead — my mindset, for example? At the end of the day, I started to learn these things:

First, everyone has their own pace.

Second, find a job that feeds your soul, not your ego.

Third, it’s okay to be sad after making the right decision.

I never knew that slowing down my pace would feel THIS good.